In the fall of 2017 I pursued my dream of studying ancient history and archaeology at a PhD level. I wanted to read, research, and write full-time. I had completed my masters degree in history in 2015 from Kent State University and was rejuvenating before embarking on the next step on my journey within academia. In the interim, I worked at a non-profit history affiliated institution. I sent out three statements of intent – to Johns Hopkins, University of Maryland, and University of Virginia.
“We are unable to approve your admission to graduate study.”
I received three rejection letters in return. Those were the words that haunted me. There was no other feedback or direction. From pre-application discussions with the professors I desired to work alongside I had a sense that I lacked the prerequisites to enter the programs that I wanted to, and without taking on crippling debt would be unable to acquire the requisite skills, knowledge, and formal training that those schools required. But it was a hard pill to swallow, and I had applied regardless, believing there would be something in my application that would stand out and gain their approval into their program of study. After receiving the crushing news, I slowly let the dream of being a professional archaeologist and historian die, feeling defeated by the system. But something far more nefarious happened that day. A different passion was simultaneously buried. One I did not realize until this week.
This week I received news that reverberated within me in kind to that week five years ago. For the first time since then, I had pursued a new opportunity with as much passion and desire as I had with my dream of becoming a PhD candidate. I had allowed myself to want a new challenge in my career, in a higher role as a director within my career. I prepared more for the interview than any other in my lifetime. I immersed myself into the material, reading to fill in the gaps that I had and expand my foundation of knowledge. As I read, my excitement built within me for the new opportunities I would have. The prospect of being in a position where I could read, research, and share my ideas with the world galvanized me. Until I was informed another candidate had been given the position. It felt like I was reading those three rejection letters all over again.
The weight of the news was a vice upon my soul. This was not just one rejection. This was the culmination of many rejections. None of which I had processed properly in the past.
When we feel rejected in our careers, we are often told to bounce back, to grow and become stronger, to fulfill new roles for the highest bidder. These are lies. This attitude is toxic and curates the wrong sort of attitudes about careers. Being denied a promotion or acceptance into a program is not truly a rejection, or even a step back. It is simply maintaining the status quo. A rejection is not a statement on your worth. Not being promoted does not make you any less valuable. Your identity is not aligned with your title. And You are not defined by the title of your position.
But I wasn’t there yet.
As I sat and processed the news, the magnitude of my past rejections overwhelmed me. I realized that what I was feeling was not being turned down for the role of director, but the three letters of rejection from PhD programs from years ago staring me in the face. I had let those committees take away my voice. I stopped reading, learning and writing after I received those letters. It was as if those letters were a statement that I wasn’t “good enough” to write. I had surrendered my voice based upon the whims and prerogatives of a graduate committee. Words have so much power. Sometimes more than what we mean to imbue them with. I’m sure that committee never intended to take away my voice. To them they were simply determining which of the applicants would best fulfill the limited positions they could fund. But the denial into their programs did just that. The act of rejection took on a life of its own. It put my mind in a cage and enslaved my creativity to its will.
The cloud lifted.
I needed to let go. I had let those past rejections consume me, mold me, and enslave me. Failure is temporary. It is simply a step in the process of forming who we are. And how we respond to perceived failure is truly what defines us.
But how could I let go? I saw three PDF icons on my laptop screen. The three icons for the statements of intent I submitted in December 2017 for the PhD programs. I had held on to the applications and the rejection letters for so long to remind myself that I wasn’t good enough. That I didn’t measure up. And proceeded work long hours to overcome the feeling of inadequacy. But it was never enough.
Click. Delete.
At once It was liberating. The mundane act of deleting my PhD application materials set me free. I now held the reins of rejection, they had no power over me. Those words that haunted me for so long no longer held me in captivity.
A refrain echoed in my mind, from a book I read only a few weeks before receiving the news of this rejection:
“When you hide your voice from the world, you rob the world of your creativity.” – John Spencer and A.J. Juliani, Empower
I was done hiding. I have robbed the world of my voice, of my creativity, of my words, for too long.
The mundane gives way to empowerment. We don’t need a title to use our voice. We can learn, write, and share with each other no matter what stage of life we are in. Hold the reins of your rejection, capture those thoughts, and reign over them.
How dare we let the approval of others deny our voice. How dare we let the rejections we face (and we will face many in our lifetime) control who we are. The decision those committees made stopped me dead in my tracks and prevented me for five years from sharing my journey with the world. Those committee members wouldn’t even remember my name now, yet I gave them so much power over my life. Our journey, our story, is our identity. They can only take that away if we give them the power to.
Click. Delete. Start again. Speak up. Share your journey.
What has died within yourself as a result of facing rejections, being denied promotions, or entry into programs?
What words have you let control who you are, rather than taking them captive and having mastery and dominion over your thoughts?
What new passions have been reawakened within you while facing similar challenges?
(originally posted on linkedin)