In the past four months I witnessed two wedding ceremonies, celebrated a fiftieth anniversary of an acquaintance, and mourned as I watched the marriage of friends fall apart. All of this occurred as we approached our (I use we/our instead of I/my quite intentionally) fourth marriage anniversary, and I can’t help but reflect on God’s intention for weddings and marriage in light of what I witnessed in this season.
Love. The majority of songs are written about it. Similarly it is a focal point of most film, cinema, and television. People are screaming out for love. It consumes our attention, drives us to paradoxical behaviors, and often creates experiences and stories that make us feel in new ways, making us feel silly, ashamed, embarrassed, sad, or overjoyed by the outcome.
But what is it? Why does it occupy our every waking moment?
At the first wedding I attended in this season love was definitely the central focus. A little too much so. I remarked to my wife after leaving the ceremony that if you were a guest wondering who or what to look to to know what love is, you would think you needed to look at the bride and groom. Their love for each other was what was emphasized. The ceremony put their love on a pedestal as an example of what we should aspire to. Although at least the bride was from a similar Christian faith-based background to myself, there was little evidence of that present within the actual ceremony. The source of love was completely absent. Love was made to seem like it spontaneously grows out of ourselves for one special person in the world, the person we are destined to join in matrimony with for the rest of our lives. And that love we have for each other is our sole source of joy, happiness, and hope. As long as we have love from that other person we’ve found and hitched ourselves to, all is well within the world. I left the wedding feeling discouraged that love was portrayed in this way. But the summer was just beginning. The concept of love would continue to be attacked and subverted as the summer continued.
I attended a second wedding that took the paradigm of wedding ceremonies and continued to subvert my expectations and values. The officiant opened the proceedings with a series of rhetorical questions,”why do we even do wedding ceremonies anymore? Aren’t they kinda weird, with people watching you speak vows to each other? Isn’t it a bit antiquated?”
I watched and waited in horror anticipating that the officiant would simply pronounce the bride and groom as husband and wife then and there in what could have been the shortest wedding ceremony in history. But he didn’t. Thankfully. I exhaled a sigh of relief. Temporarily. There was not much substance to this wedding after that opening though. No explanation of the derivation of love. Just two people who decided to commit to each other. Sort of. My wife pointed out after the ceremony that while the groom had prepared formal vows and declared intentions to stay by his bride’s side through all that life brings, the bride’s vows were not exactly vows at all. The bride simply stated a series of hopes instead of promises. Hopes to go on more adventures together. Hopes to grow together. Hopes to explore and enjoy life together. But hopes are not vows. Hopes can and will be dashed. Hopes will not sustain us, if we don’t have an immutable source of hope.
A few weeks later I attended a fiftieth wedding anniversary for an acquaintance of mine. I was hoping to hear wisdom and stories of how a marriage union lasted fifty years, a rarity in our time. Instead, the only reason given was that it was by the grace of God. God’s love must be at the center, the central desire of both husband and wife. Otherwise, a marriage dis-oriented around God is susceptible to the whims of our earthly desires. The simplicity of this message stuck like a javelin in my mind, piercing the walls and constructs of what it really takes to love someone deeply for a lifetime.
I attended this momentous occasion with my wife at a time when we were both reeling from the news of our friends who were considering filing for divorce. My wife had grown up with the wife in this partnership, and I had met this couple at my church (who incidentally set me up and introduced me to my lovely wife). Although I had an inkling that there were material problems afoot, I did not realize they were so disastrous to condone the heinous act of divorce. In fact they were not. But both husband and wife would make you believe that they were so. Both parties were fed up with each other, neither feeling that they had agency or true love within the relationship. Both were ignoring the root issue. They had been in pastoral counseling for more than a year. Yet they were so consumed with themselves that they failed to recognize what needed to be done to save their marriage. Or at least were unwilling to do the work. The only apparent way out seemed to be divorce. To break and separate a holy union that should not be broken. To cleave what God Himself had conjoined. To walk away after eight years of marriage. I had an opportunity to speak truth to the husband within this marriage. I pointed out the sin of pride, and the sin of the love of money. I confronted him on how those sins were driving a wedge between him and his wife. But the truth is difficult to hear. I haven’t seen him since. He texted me the following Sunday informing me that he is attending a different church, as if that was the solution to his problems.
You see, marriage relies on both parties loving each other more than they love themselves. That love was not present in the marriage that we witnessed fall apart. In fact, each party in that marriage loved themselves more than anything. It was clear from their actions. From their words. From how they viewed finances and decisions. It was salvageable, yet neither party was willing to humble themselves to the point of redeeming their holy union. There was no biblical reason inherent within their motivation for divorce. They were simply both frustrated and tired of putting up with a significant other who loved themself more than them. Over time that is unsustainable and change needs to occur.
All of these events occurred as my wife and I approached our fourth marriage anniversary. Although I would not say I have a perfect marriage, I believe no one has a perfect marriage, we do have a Godly marriage. We support each other and put each other first. And what is at the core of it all, what is the root of marriage, is our love for Jesus. This is the missing piece from the two weddings we attended. It was also missing from the marriage we watched descend into separation. But it was present at the fiftieth anniversary celebration. And that is the key. Love in marriage is not about feeling. Feelings come and go. Feelings are deceptive. There were many women in my past that I had stronger feelings for than I do for my wife. But inevitably those feelings would change or morph. Feelings do not comprise love. That is a misappropriation of our current age that is grasping at the meaning of love and fulfillment. Striving to attach ourselves to the greatest sense of fulfillment possible, that of love. But love as a concept separated from the love of Jesus is not truly love at all, only a figment, a false shadow of what God really intends for us.
To be completely honest I took the step of marriage with my wife because God spoke to me and commanded me to marry her. To love and cherish her for the rest of my days. It is hard work. It is not easy. Because love is not easy. But it is fulfilling. When you fully commit to another person and give that person your best you both prosper and for a brief moment are able to attain a glimpse of what love actually is, the love that was ordained by the Author and Creator of all things, God the Father. That love was manifested and fulfilled by giving His son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross for our sins. His son didn’t know us. He loved us while we were still sinners. He loved me before I was born. Before I committed all the thousands of sins I’ve perpetrated against His majesty. Love is not a feeling. It is not something you can give up on when you wake up and no longer have the desire to be with the person laying next to you. Love is a decision. A choice. A command from Jesus to demonstrate what He did for us to those around us. Jesus is the root and originator of love. He is the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He is all.
Love is not possible outside of the love of Jesus. So a wedding ceremony devoid of Jesus and the Gospel message has nothing to pin hope on. If there is no greater purpose or derivation of love outside of ourselves, then what will sustain us when it feels like we don’t know who we are waking up with? My hope comes from Jesus. My love is derived from Jesus. I simply am incapable of actually loving someone outside of my love for Jesus. Because Jesus is love, and because Jesus is in me, I am actually able to love others. But if I am distant from Jesus, allow sin to separate myself from Him, or build walls to sever our connection, then I am a wretched unloving being, incapable of caring for others. When I wake up and falter in my yearning and devotion to Jesus, those are the days that I am unkind, unloving, and hurtful to my spouse. Jesus is the root of all things. The root of all that is good, loving, pure, and the ultimate source of hope in the world.
Weddings and marriages are ordained by God as an image of what our relationship should be with Jesus. You see weddings are not just a joining of a husband and wife, but more of a bond between Jesus, a man, and a woman. I understood this when I proposed to my wife. I bought her a very unique ring to emphasize this relationship. Her engagement band is offset. Without the central diamond the two sides would not meet, but would bypass each other. It is only the rock (Jesus) in the middle that joins our two sides together and forms a complete circle. I also had the scripture reference of John 4:14 engraved on the ring, that says “but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” In addition to the ring, I ordered a puzzle from Shutterfly of an image of us with this verse inscribed at the top of it. The night I proposed, we completed the puzzle together, and as my (future) spouse added the remaining pieces, I knelt on one knee, and told her how important it was to have Jesus at the center of all things. Then I showed her the ring. My emphasis was that Jesus is the true water and spring that will sustain us. Not my love for my wife, and not her love for me. Only Jesus will fill our wells up and carry us each day. We can only truly love each other the way God intended when we have our eyes (and hearts) fixed on Jesus.
In the months leading up to our wedding, I felt the weight and responsibility of orchestrating and planning our ceremony. I know it is not common for the groom to plan and design so much of the ceremony, but I felt that a wedding ceremony is one of the most sacred acts that we will undertake, second only to that of accepting Jesus into our hearts and undergoing the rite of baptism. Marriage is a sacred rite, and should be treated as such. It is a rite that joins together a man and a woman through union with the heart of Jesus. While my future wife planned most of the reception, I prayed and pondered how to best honor the sacred act of marriage. I intentionally selected Doxology/Amen by Phil Wickham as the processional track. Most weddings emphasize the beauty of the bride and all eyes are on her as she comes down the aisle. While all eyes were on the bride as she came down the aisle, it was to words of praise to God our Father, thanking Him for Who He is and What He has done in our lives. I wanted the focus to be on Jesus from the outset, not on us. Jesus had brought us together, and brought us to that moment, where He would join us together, not any act of our own.
The scripture that followed the processional was from Ephesians 5:21-31, a selection from our pastor that read: “ Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’”
A brief time of worship followed the Ephesians reading, with a song selected by the bride “All I have is Christ” by Sovereign Grace and one selected by myself in “Living Hope” by Phil Wickham. Again the emphasis and focus was that Jesus is our living hope. Although we were wedding ourselves to each other, our true hope was not in each other, but in Jesus. All we had was truly Christ, not each other. We would help each other to that end, but deep down it was not our love for each other, but Christ in us that would sustain us. Two additional scriptures were read, from Proverbs 3:3-10, “Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good success in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones. Honor the Lord with your wealth and with the firstfruits of all your produce; then your barns will be filled with plenty, and your vats will be bursting with wine.” The second passage was from Colossians 3:12-17, “ Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”
We are called to be holy. We are called to have steadfast love and faithfulness to each other. We are called to fear the LORD. To honor God with what He has given us. To forgive one another. But most importantly to have a heart of thankfulness in our hearts to God. To give Him all the glory. Our love for each other will not save us. Our love for each other will not fulfill us. Our love will not preserve us, or protect us from harm, from pain, from hurt, from turmoil. In fact, entering into union with another person may actually hasten all of those things. It is a hard life, to be married. But it is also a calling. And when you are called to it, you must uphold the covenant, and work through the strife together. God places challenges and adversity in front of us to mold us into His image. And walking in the journey of marriage with one another is simply a method to refine us more into His image.
I’ve provided our vows below, to remind myself and others the true meaning of matrimony and why God created marriage as an institution to carry out His plan of redeeming the whole earth:
Groom: I, Jobadiah, take you, Leah, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do us part. As is Christ to His body, the church, so I will be to you, leading you towards holiness. I promise you my leadership, my devotion, my tenderest care. And so throughout life, no matter what may lie ahead of us, I pledge to you my life as a faithful husband.
Bride: I, Leah, take you, Job, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do us part. As is the church in her relationship to Christ, so I will be to you. God has prepared me for you and so I will ever strengthen, help, comfort, and encourage you. Therefore, throughout life, no matter what may be ahead of us, I pledge to you my life as a faithful wife.
There are no hopes uttered in these vows. Just promises to stand side by side, to emulate and embody Christ’s love for the Church by our love for each other.
We concluded the ceremony with the tying of a unity cord, referencing Ecclesiasties 4:9-12, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” Did you catch the last bit of verse 12? That a threefold cord is not quickly broken. It references the bond that marriage creates between a man, a woman, and Jesus. A threefold braided cord of love that withstands all things. While the cord was being woven together, another song I selected was played, “Lest I Forget” by Rebecca St. James. Again, I wanted to ensure that I was entering into this bond and holy union with pure intentions and with my heart affixed on Jesus, being mindful of His grace and what He did for us on the cross. Lest I forget what He did for me, and fall short of loving my wife.
Once we were pronounced husband and wife, we triumphantly marched down the aisle to “O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing,” another selection of mine to attune the hearts and minds of all present on Jesus, and not on the happy couple. From start to finish God had put it on my heart to craft a ceremony that honored Him, that pointed all present to Him, and not to the love we had for each other. Jesus is the one great love. Not us. Human love will fail us. Jesus’ love is enduring. My hope is firmly in Him. He is my cornerstone, my rock, and my salvation. Thus in marriage when my wife falls short, I am better able to weather her shortcomings (and her my many failings), because my ultimate hope is in Jesus. I’m not depending on Leah to sustain me. I’m not depending on her to fulfill me. My complete peace and rest is found in Jesus. Leah is simply part of the puzzle God provided to lead me deeper into His arms, redemption, sanctification, and final restoration.
What is love then? That Christ died for us, while we were still sinners. While we were in our wretched state, Jesus broke our chains, stepped through the barrier into our sin, took it upon Himself, and said “I love you, I love you so much I will take the fall for your faults, for your sins and grievances so that you don’t have to pay the price for them. I will pay the price.” Biblical marriage is a picture of that love, because at brief moments we are able to say the same thing to our spouse and deeply mean it and live it out. While we can only ever actualize this love in variable seconds that are carried away in the wind, Jesus exemplifies that love to everyone, forever, for all time, when He took all of our sin upon Himself on the cross.
Yes, marriage lasts for fifty years only by the grace of God. By intentionally choosing to love and being steadfast through all things. I understand how a husband and wife can look at each other and say “I’m tired of you, I don’t want to do this anymore.” That’s what happens when your bond is built on human commitment. We are all broken people. We are going to hurt each other. It is only by the grace of God that we can continue to love each other the way He intended. Don’t break the bonds of marriage lightly. Pursue Jesus and He will sustain you. We have only lived this Godly commission for four years. We have a long way to go to reach fifty. But as I reflect upon my vows and wedding ceremony, I’m reminded of the promise I made, to God the Father, to love my wife as I love Jesus. And with the strength of Jesus, who gave Himself upon the cross for all the souls of eternity, I can aspire to love my wife with even an iota of that strength, in hopes to lead her more fully into the sanctification and image of Jesus.